The Day After

Well, yesterday was Super Bowl XLIV (why they insist on Roman numerals instead of regular numerals is beyond me). As most of America knows, the Saints came back from a 10 point deficit to beat the Colts, 31-17. This should not have come as a surprise considering that God obviously favors saints over colts (Jesus served the saints, but he rode a colt to the Triumphal Entry). Another thing that most Americans know is that the Super Bowl is not about football. It's not about parties or eating junk food or Janet Jackson flashing everyone. It's about the commercials.

Is it just me or have Super Bowl commercials sucked a lot lately? I mean, companies spend millions for a 30-second spot, and that crap that they gave us is really the best that they can do? It would be too difficult to compile a list of the best Super Bowl commercials because I'd have to search far and wide for good ones. But, how about a list of...

The Worst Super Bowl Commercials of Superbowl 44!

7. The Tim Tebow Story
I must admit I thought that Pam Tebow was Mary Steenburgen when the commercial started. I realized that this was the controversial Focus on the Family commercial that some more liberal groups were complaining about when she held up a picture of a little boy. And then Tim Tebow tackled his mom. I guess this was to say, "Hey, he's a football player that people should know," for the people who didn't know who he was, but I thought it was very stupid because (1) he had no reason to tackle her, (2) he's a quarterback and thus doesn't tackle much, and (3) um, what was the point of that commercial? I guess I wouldn't have been so disappointed if people weren't so pissy about it before it aired, causing an unnecessary uproar about the evil James Dobson-led group getting a half minute spot during the Super Bowl. I think for all the commotion, he at least should have tackled a recently un-pregnant teenager walking out of Planned Parenthood and revealing her to be satan in Ellen Page's body. I'm just saying.

6. The Jack-in-the-Box Commercial
In an attempt to show that Jack-in-the-Box is trying "new things," (which I take to mean good food) the big white ball-headed spokesman goes bungee jumping off of a bridge, but they forget to secure the rope. Luckily, his hat takes the brunt of the fall, and he's still alive to give us stomach pain for another day. I think they should have ended it with him dying, and then the employees sawing off his flesh and putting them into their tacos. That would explain a lot.

5. The Dramatic Chipmunk and other animals Commercial
I'm not gonna lie. I laughed when I saw the Dramatic Chipmunk commercial. I can respect a company using popular internet memes to sell their product. But then they kept doing it with other animals. After that, it was just stupid and annoying.

4. The Denny's Commercials
Speaking of using animals annoyingly in commercials, I feel these Denny's commercials were intentionally trying to annoy people so we won't flock to the breakfast restaurant and get our free Grand Slams and cause them to go out of business. When I see/hear chickens screaming, I don't think, "Ooh, I want breakfast," I think, "Ooh, cut it's head off so it'll stop screaming and make a delicious dinner next to the mashed potatoes." And if I want that, I'm going to Cracker Barrel.

3. The Budweiser Bull Commercial
What's with all the animals? This commercial showed a scrawny looking cow that I guess wanted to race a horse but realized that he was a cow. However, 3 years pass, and this cow is not a big strong bull with big horns and, instead of being stopped by a wooden fence, he plows through and trots alongside the horse, as a bull should. I think some farmer wanted to get some money from the beer company and pitched this idea using his own animals (who, like Gary Coleman, will never see the money that he made off of them). When they asked the connection to the beer, he said that they can have the word "Budweiser" at the end of the commercial. The Bud execs were drinking heavily that day (so much so that they actually started to like the taste of Budweiser), so they accepted the commercial pitch. That's the only reason I can think of that they would have a beer commercial devoid of beer.

2. The GoDaddy/Dockers/Career Builder/any other commercial where people are for no reason undressed or undressing
The Dockers commercial actually had some significance, because they were saying that men should wear pants. I got the point of the Career Builder one, but I feel like they could have come up with better ways of saying "this job sucks." And someone at our party said that he thought that GoDaddy was a porn website because of their raunchy commercials. Again, there has to be a better way of advertising a website that sells domain names than Danica Patrick taking her clothes off.

1. The Bridgestone Tires Commercial
As much as I hate companies using sex to promote their products, this tire commercial takes home the award for the Worst Super Bowl 44 Commercial. A man is told to either give up his tires or his life. The man apparently mishears the villain and thinks that it is his tires or his wife. He kicks his wife out of the car and drives away. Let me repeat that: Bridgestone wants you to pick four rubber circles over your committed bride. I hate this commercial for the same reason I hate those stupid Miller Lite commercials that say to choose your girlfriend over your mom, but your beer over your girlfriend. I understand wanting people to buy your product, but saying that it's more important than the people you are to be committed to is reaching a new low.

I think Wal-Mart should have submitted the following commercial, because it has me laughing, no matter how many times I watch it.