Monday, August 31, 2009

Where was I when the world was made?

I just spent some time reading Job, a book that I seem to have been in forever and a day. The first couple of chapters is God telling satan how awesome Job is. Then God allows satan to take everything that Job has from him, except his life. The next few chapters were Job's friends telling him that he did something wrong because God wouldn't let this happen to the righteous, and Job replying by saying that he indeed didn't do anything wrong. Job says that he'll praise God no matter what happens, but there are a lot of moments where he is just downright dramatic. I mean, seriously, "it would have been better had I not been born"?

In all this, Job is questioning God, and understandably so. But in Job 38-39, God answers back, and answers back hard. He asks Job where he was when God created the world. And if he knew when goats would give birth. There was one moment that I thought was particularly "rip-Job-a-new-one-ish" in Job 38:19-21

"Where is the way to the dwelling of light,
and where is the place of darkness,
that you may take it to its territory
and that you may discern the paths to its home?
You know, for you were born then,
and the number of your days is great!"

In reading these chapters, it's easy to say, "yeah, Job, why would you question God like that? Don't you know that He's the Almighty? Don't you know that He's sovereign? Don't you know that He knows what's best for you?"

It's not too easy, though, once I examine my own life and attitude. Over the past couple of weeks, I've asked God why a lot of times. "Why am I at 25% if this is where you want me? Why are there a lot of Nav staff right now who are struggling with their funding? Why are there so many women coming to the table today and only one man? Why, God, why?" I bombard God with these questions about why things aren't going my way. And then I read Job 38 and 39, and I can't help but hear God speaking these words to me. And I feel small. Like a little child being scolded by his Father. My head is down, not daring to look up at God, because I know that He's right and I can't answer back. I can't look him in the eyes. I can't say anything to justify my attitude towards God.

I know that God is good. I know that God is sovereign. I know that God's will is better than mine. My trouble is accepting and realizing this truth in my nearsightedness.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

I love my new housemates!

So, I moved to San Diego, at least for a little while, for my job with the Navigators. I'm living with 4 of my teammates/partners. We've been living together for one day, and we've already had some great conversations/moments, such as:

Tim (upon entering the house and being greeted by 3 dogs): I thought there were 2 dogs last time I was here.

Someone else (I can't remember who): That's what dogs do.

Tim: But there were 2 male dogs.

Gabe: It's California.
Ryan: There are a lot oceans... I mean seas.

Val: *Spits water out of her mouth*

Me: *Fit of laughter ending in The Laugh*
Gabe goes outside and sticks his head back in and says, "So, are you gonna come out?"
Tim and I were watching movies on our computers, but figured since Gabe was asking that something was happening outside, like dinner or a meeting. We go outside and wait for whatever it is to start. Turns out Gabe was talking to his dog, not us.

I'm really looking forward to more good times with my team.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

I'm VERY disappointed

Imagine biting into what someone tells you is an In-N-Out Double Double only to discover that it's from Burger King.
Or finding out that Edward Norton had to drop out of a movie and they replaced him with David Spade.
Or flipping on the TV to watch Arrested Development, and 2 and a Half Men is showing in it's stead.

Those would all be horribly disappointing moments, much like the one that I had the other morning. I was doing something outside, and I hear this man yell three names, telling the owners of said names to vamoose. Jason was one of those names, but apparently he was talking to a different Jason, because I didn't want me to leave.

He wanted me to act. He asked me if I could be in Die Hard 5 as a character named Archie Arnold. I gladly accepted, pulled a comb from out of my pocket, and got ready for my big screen debut. Instead of the script, the gave me my lines on small strips of paper, which were numbered, I'm assuming in the order in which I say said lines. The problem is, they were out of order.

Being me, as I try to arrange my lines in numerical order, I drop them on the couch that I was sitting on. I search along the cushions of the couch and feel for those lines, the lines that will make me a star.

As I'm searching, I see the fan blowing on me, and the pillows on my futon. I was now awake. I was searching on my futon for lines that were not there for a movie that I was not in. I very quickly came to realize that I would not be doing an action movie starring Bruce Willis as the unstoppable John McClane. I was in my apartment, alone, on my futon.

That realization hurt me like you can't even imagine.

Monday, August 10, 2009

2 More Weeks

I have 2 weeks until I move to San Diego to start off the school year at SDSU. The closer that date comes, the more real it becomes that I'm moving away. And the more I think that I don't want to do this.

This is in no way a blog of resignation. I knew that this job would be hard when I accepted it. And it's not even that I don't want to do the job. I'm actually really excited about going to San Diego and being a part of what God's doing there. The part that I'm not looking forward to--that I haven't been looking forward to--is moving away from home and leaving the people that I've come to call friends over the past 4 or so years. I feel like Abram in Genesis 12, when God calls him away from his father's house, his country, and his kindred.

In a way, I think that's been keeping me from getting busy with funding. I know that if I'm out calling people, meeting with them, getting my funds to enable me to minister to students, that would be driving the nail in the coffin. That would mean that it is actually happening.

Well, what I've been avoiding with my laziness God has been bringing back with time. And now, I've dug myself in a hole because I'm at 13% with 14 days to go. The way it's looking right now, I'll be there for a couple weeks before heading back to Phoenix to continue fundraising and possibly working part-time. In other words, I'm reaping what I've sown. I could blame circumstances or a job or inexperience in what I'm doing, but really it's nobody's fault but my own. God's been teaching me a lot through this trying time, and it has not been the most fun time of learning. But I thank God for these times because I know that going through this fire will ultimately make me refined.

And so, as I embark on my next journey and probably turn back around for a pit stop, I ask that you, my friends and family and people who randomly stumbled upon my blog, pray for me.

1. Pray for my diligence in these next 2 weeks. I need to send out a few more letters, but the hardest thing by far will be making the phone calls (which is the most awkward part of funding in my opinion). After that I need to meet up with people and explain what my ministry is going to look like.

2. Pray for a temporary home if/when I come back to Phoenix, as my apartment will be vacated by the end of this month.

3. Pray for that 13% to go up. It's easy for me to look at it and shoot for 75% so I can be on campus, but I know that my God is bigger than that and can get me to 100%.

4. Pray for your possible involvement in my ministry. There's a link (to the right if you're reading this on blogger, on my website list if you're reading this on facebook) where you can donate online. However, I'd rather we talk about my ministry before you donate.

5. Pray that I would still be able to minister effectively when I do go to campus.

I thank you for your prayers and for your love as I answer God's call to bring the gospel to the lost.