Saturday, August 30, 2008

You couldn't even pay me to see it...

So, I work at a movie theater and get to see movies for free. Since the beginning of July, I have seen The Dark Knight (4 times, and counting); parts of The Mummy 3, Pineapple Express, and Mamma Mia; Hellboy 2; Wanted; Wall-E; Get Smart; Kung Fu Panda; and Tropic Thunder; all for free. Needless to say, I enjoy watching movies for free.

Now, there are some movies I'll see because I don't have to pay for them, some I would gladly pay for if I had to (well, I suppose I'd willingly pay for them, at least), and then those that I won't be seeing even if they paid me to. Though I'd be making money, I wouldn't get my time and brain cells back. There are about 6 of those movies at the top of my head. Wait, no, just thought of a 7th. Here they are, and why I won't see them.

7) The House Bunny
This one's simple. It annoys me that we're so bombarded with sex nowadays that I just refuse to watch a movie revolving around the life and education of a former Playboy bunny.

6) Postal
I've never seen a TV commercial for this. You may not have even heard of it, and if you haven't, count your blessings. It's a comedy revolving around terrorism. I'm into the whole black comedy genre (not to be confused with black people comedy), but I don't see how George W. Bush skipping with Osama Bin Laden is in any way funny or remotely appropriate. I read that the movie opens with one of the hijacked planes from the 9/11 attacks crashing into the south tower of the WTC. The reason: the terrorist, actually wanting to take a trip to the Bahamas, were taken over by the passengers, which then crashed into the tower. I don't feel like I have to explain why that's not funny.

4-5) The Day the Earth Stood Still and Babylon A.D.
Anybody who's ever heard me talk about movies knows that I have a list of actors who shouldn't be in movies. Ever. Topping that list are Keanu Reeves and Vin Diesel. Why they continue to be cast is beyond me, but 2008 brings one movie from each. If I enter a theater where those movies are showing, it'll be to clean up after the people who wasted their money.

3) Religulous
From comedian and documentary-maker, Bill Maher, who brought us such classics as... um... well, he was on Leno the other night. He even voiced his political opinions and said that Hillary supporters are threatening to vote for McCain because they're upset that a woman didn't get the Democratic nomination, and thus are sticking it to the man by crossing party lines. That makes complete sense. It can't possibly be because they just don't like Obama. But, I digress...
In this film, whose title is derived from a combination of the words "religion" and "ridiculous," Maher interviews people of various religions, and questions their beliefs. I might be less opposed to it if he didn't do it in a sarcastic, demeaning, and just downright stupid way. He likens prayer to believing in Santa Claus. Watch a trailer and you will see just how ridiculous this movie is going to be.

2) Hamlet 2
It's not that they dared mess with a Shakespeare play. It's not that Steve Coogan's American accent is as laughable as my British one is. It's not even the fact that it takes place in that dump they call Tucson that bothers me the most about this movie. It's the blatant blasphemy. I just utterly refuse to watch a movie that has a song called, "Rock Me, Sexy Jesus."I watched Selma Blair kiss a big, red demon. I watched Angelina Jolie bend bullets. I even heard Pierce Brosnana sing. But I can't bring myself to watch this blasphemous excuse for a comedy.

1) Disaster Movie
I feel almost responsible for this. I chuckled as I watched Dr. Phil admit that he was worthless and Shaq make fun of his inability to shoot free throws. But I never thought that by watching that illegally downloaded copy of Scary Movie 4 on youtube would ever come to this. Unlike the Scary Movie franchise, Disaster Movie doesn't even care to spoof the genre of movies that it gets its title from. From what I've read, the only disaster movies that it actually spoofs are Twister (and their about a decade or so too late for that one) and Cloverfield, and it's debatable if that was a disaster movie (I'd say it's more of a monster flick). Instead, it spoofs movies that just came out, none of which older than a year old. It's obvious that they didn't even care to watch some of the movies, as we saw the trailer for this disaster as we were watching Hancock. And apparently, the impersonations are so bad that they actually have to introduce each character in order for the audience to know who they are trying to impersonate. Furthermore, this is not even a parody, as their spoofs are just reenactments from other movies done by bad actors, and having a cow or comet fall from the sky onto them (seriously? how is this funny?).

Well, I'm done ranting about the general IQ drop making itself evident in the movie theater. Needless to say, if I go to watch a movie, it'll probably just be the one with the Batman again.


Amy Trianne said...

Haha, you make me laugh.