The Day After

Well, yesterday was Super Bowl XLIV (why they insist on Roman numerals instead of regular numerals is beyond me). As most of America knows, the Saints came back from a 10 point deficit to beat the Colts, 31-17. This should not have come as a surprise considering that God obviously favors saints over colts (Jesus served the saints, but he rode a colt to the Triumphal Entry). Another thing that most Americans know is that the Super Bowl is not about football. It's not about parties or eating junk food or Janet Jackson flashing everyone. It's about the commercials.

Is it just me or have Super Bowl commercials sucked a lot lately? I mean, companies spend millions for a 30-second spot, and that crap that they gave us is really the best that they can do? It would be too difficult to compile a list of the best Super Bowl commercials because I'd have to search far and wide for good ones. But, how about a list of...

The Worst Super Bowl Commercials of Superbowl 44!

7. The Tim Tebow Story
I must admit I thought that Pam Tebow was Mary Steenburgen when the commercial started. I realized that this was the controversial Focus on the Family commercial that some more liberal groups were complaining about when she held up a picture of a little boy. And then Tim Tebow tackled his mom. I guess this was to say, "Hey, he's a football player that people should know," for the people who didn't know who he was, but I thought it was very stupid because (1) he had no reason to tackle her, (2) he's a quarterback and thus doesn't tackle much, and (3) um, what was the point of that commercial? I guess I wouldn't have been so disappointed if people weren't so pissy about it before it aired, causing an unnecessary uproar about the evil James Dobson-led group getting a half minute spot during the Super Bowl. I think for all the commotion, he at least should have tackled a recently un-pregnant teenager walking out of Planned Parenthood and revealing her to be satan in Ellen Page's body. I'm just saying.

6. The Jack-in-the-Box Commercial
In an attempt to show that Jack-in-the-Box is trying "new things," (which I take to mean good food) the big white ball-headed spokesman goes bungee jumping off of a bridge, but they forget to secure the rope. Luckily, his hat takes the brunt of the fall, and he's still alive to give us stomach pain for another day. I think they should have ended it with him dying, and then the employees sawing off his flesh and putting them into their tacos. That would explain a lot.

5. The Dramatic Chipmunk and other animals Commercial
I'm not gonna lie. I laughed when I saw the Dramatic Chipmunk commercial. I can respect a company using popular internet memes to sell their product. But then they kept doing it with other animals. After that, it was just stupid and annoying.

4. The Denny's Commercials
Speaking of using animals annoyingly in commercials, I feel these Denny's commercials were intentionally trying to annoy people so we won't flock to the breakfast restaurant and get our free Grand Slams and cause them to go out of business. When I see/hear chickens screaming, I don't think, "Ooh, I want breakfast," I think, "Ooh, cut it's head off so it'll stop screaming and make a delicious dinner next to the mashed potatoes." And if I want that, I'm going to Cracker Barrel.

3. The Budweiser Bull Commercial
What's with all the animals? This commercial showed a scrawny looking cow that I guess wanted to race a horse but realized that he was a cow. However, 3 years pass, and this cow is not a big strong bull with big horns and, instead of being stopped by a wooden fence, he plows through and trots alongside the horse, as a bull should. I think some farmer wanted to get some money from the beer company and pitched this idea using his own animals (who, like Gary Coleman, will never see the money that he made off of them). When they asked the connection to the beer, he said that they can have the word "Budweiser" at the end of the commercial. The Bud execs were drinking heavily that day (so much so that they actually started to like the taste of Budweiser), so they accepted the commercial pitch. That's the only reason I can think of that they would have a beer commercial devoid of beer.

2. The GoDaddy/Dockers/Career Builder/any other commercial where people are for no reason undressed or undressing
The Dockers commercial actually had some significance, because they were saying that men should wear pants. I got the point of the Career Builder one, but I feel like they could have come up with better ways of saying "this job sucks." And someone at our party said that he thought that GoDaddy was a porn website because of their raunchy commercials. Again, there has to be a better way of advertising a website that sells domain names than Danica Patrick taking her clothes off.

1. The Bridgestone Tires Commercial
As much as I hate companies using sex to promote their products, this tire commercial takes home the award for the Worst Super Bowl 44 Commercial. A man is told to either give up his tires or his life. The man apparently mishears the villain and thinks that it is his tires or his wife. He kicks his wife out of the car and drives away. Let me repeat that: Bridgestone wants you to pick four rubber circles over your committed bride. I hate this commercial for the same reason I hate those stupid Miller Lite commercials that say to choose your girlfriend over your mom, but your beer over your girlfriend. I understand wanting people to buy your product, but saying that it's more important than the people you are to be committed to is reaching a new low.

I think Wal-Mart should have submitted the following commercial, because it has me laughing, no matter how many times I watch it.

The Customer is Seldom Right

I've made a point to pray on my way to and from work instead of listening to music. It's been a very good time of talking to my Father. I usually start by thanking Him for providing me with my job again, even though I often complain about it. This is the second time that He's used Harkins to answer my prayer request of a job, and for answering it, I am very thankful.

I, however, have never thanked Him for the customers I have to deal with on a regular basis. I suppose I can thank Him for sending these people to test my patience. What's that? You don't know what kind of people I deal with? If only there were a list of the types of customers that come into Harkins.... Oh, look I found:

The List of Annoying Harkins Customers

The Smoker: This guy comes up to me in box office. There's only a small opening so they can give me money and I can give them the ticket. But good gravy does this man's stench fly through that little space! I want to gag and tell him to step away and yell what movie he wants to see. And the stink lingers, too. Once, I went to clean the bathroom. I step in and I smell the pungent odor of cigarette, greatly overpowering the ungodly smells that a bathroom is supposed to have. This guy smelled so bad, he brought his stench from outside, walked through the lobby and into the bathroom, and left some odor for the poor defenseless usher to try to mask. I'm glad I don't have to sit next to this guy in the theater.

The Procrastinator: She likes to show up on busy days. There will be a long line of people waiting to get there concessions and go to their movie. While she's waiting in said line, do her eyes look up at the menu? Oh, no, there's too much socialization to be doing to spend time on that. There's really no need to look until they make it to the cashier. Not only does said cashier have to stand their as she says, "Um, let's see, what do I want?" He also has to deal with her vague requests for "some popcorn" or "a coke." "What size?" the cashier asks through clenched teeth. And if she asks for layered butter....

The Pre-Snacker: Oh, your family just came from Coldstone, huh? That's nice. I see your little one got something colorful and pretty. I hope you guys enjoy it. Outside. Oh, no, you actually can't bring in any outside food or drink. Stop arguing with me, please. This isn't going to change the rules. I don't care if they used to let you in with that. I don't deal with used to. I deal with now. And now says that you either need to throw away your dessert or finish it before you come in. I'll say I'm sorry, but that's really just a courtesy. I'm not sorry. (I honestly don't care if you bring in food from the outside. Just hide it. And throw it away when you're done, don't leave it in the theater. I mean, seriously, who leaves a McDonald's bag in the theater?)

The Price-Complainer: This is the guy who comes up to your register in concessions and buys his snacks, but lets you know that he's not happy about it. "$5.75 for a bag of popcorn? Are you kidding me? That's highway robbery!" I would like to respond with either, "Then don't buy it," or "It's actually not highway robbery, it's price-gouging. There's a difference," but I instead ask if he want's to make it bigger for 75 cents and if he wanted to throw in some M&M's for four bucks. The worst part: he does.

The Late-Comer: This person annoys me on different levels depending on where and when I'm working. If I'm in box office, ready to close, but you come in 15 minutes after the last movie starts showing, you're wasting my and your time, buddy.
If I'm at door (ticket-taker), and you come in at 7:15 for a free screening that started at 7, you're not getting in. No, I can't allow you into another movie for free since you can't read that the ticket says, "Come early; seating is limited and it is first come, first served." Yes, you did drive all the way out here for nothing. You got what you paid for. Sucks to be you.
If I'm in concessions, please don't come to my register and say, "C'mon, Jason, you're making me late for my movie," while I'm still helping the customer in front of you (this actually happened one time, and I have to admit, as much as I didn't want this guy around, I wanted to make that transaction last as long as possible; I'm a horrible human being).

The Selectively Deaf: Oh, look. There's a line of people waiting to get into this rated R movie that's just been released. And I've been selected to check tickets to make sure we don't have movie-hoppers. Oh joy! I will stand by this sign that says, "Have your tickets ready and make sure you have it if you leave the theater, cuz you gone get checked again." Now, I will wait until my manager finishes saying, "Make sure you always have your ticket on you, because it will be checked every time you try to enter the theater. Seriously, folks. Don't leave it in there." Oh, goody, now the lines going in. This isn't so bad. Ah, people are leaving to get snacks and use the restroom. That's nice. Oh, look, they're returning. You left your ticket inside? I checked it already? I should remember you? I'm sorry, I was looking at your ticket instead of memorizing your face out of 400 others. That was my bad, I guess. It's not like you had warning that you should have your ticket on you or anything....

The Cell Phone-Talker: I actually kind of enjoy when they come to my register, because I talk to these people as if their attention weren't split between their order and this obviously life or death call. "Hi, welcome to Harkins, how can I help you?"
"Hold on," they tell the person on the other line. "Um, give me a large popcorn and a refill of Diet Coke." They continue with their other conversation.
"Are you sure you didn't want our tub? It's only 75 cents more"
"No, the large is fine," they say, covering the mouthpiece.
"Would you like butter on that?"
"Yes, please," they answer, looking annoyed.
"Do you only want it on top or do you want me to layer it and get all your popcorn nice and buttery?"
"Hold on a second," they say into their phone, obviously pissed. "On top is good." The conversation continues.
"And did you want any Red Vines or Skittles with that today?"
"No thanks!" They shove their credit card in my hand.
"Can I see your ID please?" They angrily look through their wallet or purse for their driver's license. At this point, I'm almost giddy. When all is said and done, I give them a nice, sincere, "Thank you, enjoy your movie!" (Like I said, I'm a horrible person. But so are they, so it evens out.)

This is by no means an exhaustive list. I didn't mention the people that ask what all of the movies are about, the men with terrible aim, or the just plain stupid people (I honestly had someone ask if she could use her fake ID to see a rated R movie. I wanted to throw my cash register at her head). I figured the list is long enough. Does anybody else have examples of people proving wrong the old adage, "The customer is always right"?

Old

Yesterday marked the 24th anniversary of my birth. 24 years ago, I was crying from colic and my mom was crying from 12 hours of labor and pushing my oversized head out of her.

Sometimes I look back and I have to ask, "Where has the time gone?" I mean, I feel like it wasn't that long ago that 20 seemed really old, but now I'm in my mid-20s. When did that happen and can I make it stop? I can definitely see what those Nationwide commercials are getting at when they say that "Life comes at you fast." I feel like I was a freshman math major just last week, but I've been a history graduate for 7 months.

Now, I know 24 isn't really that old. But sometimes I'm in situations that make me feel older than I am. Like going back to my old church and seeing kids that are much bigger and older than I remember them when I first started. Or being called "Sir" or "Mr. Jason."

Or going to work. Both jobs make me feel old. Whenever I go to campus, I'm reminded that I'm probably older than most people on the campus. It freaks me out slightly to think that there are kids in college who weren't alive in the 80's. What?! Seriously?! You guys are toddlers, at best.

Even worse than working on campus is working at the movie theater. I'm an adult, grown and with a completed college degree. I'm working with kids in high school. What's worse is that sometimes I'm working under kids in high school. In fact, I'm older than most team leaders and I'm pretty sure than most managers. I described it like this one time: I get off work, buy a beer, go home, drink the beer, and cry over the fact that I take orders from people who can't even buy beer (this has never happened, btw).

As weird as growing older feels, I can see 2 good things come out of it: eventually, I'll get gray hair, which Proverbs 16:31 says is a crown of glory gained in a righteous life; and I'll eventually get a senior discount. Bring on the reduced-price bacon!

And now, on this the 10th day after Christmas, I hope you enjoy this song that my choir sang many, many, many years ago when I was in 3rd or so grade:

2009: A broken reflection

So this is my last Monday post of 2009. Please, stop crying. There will be more in 2010 (that's twenty-ten, not two thousand ten). I thought about what I might write about. Favorite/least favorite movies of the year? Ups and downs of 2009? A reflection of what this year has taught me and the life lessons that will last long after the change of years on Friday?

Nah, I'm gonna write about angrily destroying cars.

It's recently come to my attention that I really like songs about girls getting vengeance on their cheating boyfriends by taking it out on their vehicles. I got Glee-The Music Vol. 1 for Christmas, and I was very excited to see that Amber Riley's (Mercedes) performance of "Bust Your Windows" was on the CD. Basically, in the show, Mercedes has a growing crush on Kurt, but Kurt doesn't reciprocate those feelings. She catches him looking at Finn, but assumes that he's looking at Rachel, because Finn's a guy and she (somehow) doesn't know that Kurt's gay. She proceeds to throw a rock through his window and sing one of my favorite songs from the show so far. When he angrily (and high-pitchedly) exclaims, "You busted my windows," she responds with, "Well, you busted my heart."

Another song that deals with this is "Before He Cheats," by Carrie Underwood. I mean, I know I'm supposed to like "Jesus, Take the Wheel," because all Christians who listen to country music have to, but if you say, "Carrie Underwood," my first thought is, "I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up four wheel drive, carved my name into his leather seats." It's such a catchy song.

I don't know why I like these songs so much. I guess there's something appealing about busting windows and slashing tires? Really, those are the only 2 songs that deal with destroying vehicles as if they were the unfaithful ones, but I almost feel I like these too much.

Aren't you happy that I'm not an angry female?

The "Virgin" Mary

Don't let the title mislead you. I do believe that Mary was a virgin when she gave birth to Jesus. But I don't think everyone was convinced. I can imagine the conversations that happened when Mary told people about her pregnancy....

Mary: Hey, Joe, can we talk for a minute?
Joseph: Sure, my beautiful, pure, innocent bride-to-be. What about?
M: Oh, boy. Well, you know how babies are usually born after two people have sex?
J: Um, yeah? What are you getting at?
M: Well, um, the craziest thing happened to me. I was visited by an angel and he was all like, "You're gonna have God's Son," and I was all like, "But I'm a virgin," and he was like, "The Holy Spirit's gonna impregnate you, and Elizabeth's pregnant with John the Baptist," and I'm all like, "Let it be." Isn't that crazy that Elizabeth's pregnant at her age?
J: Whoa, hold on, back up a bit. You're pregnant?
M: Yeah, but... the angel... and the Holy Spirit... just read Isaiah 7:14. It explains it somewhat in there.
J: Uh, Mary, I'm not buying this. If you cheated on me, just tell me. I'll understand. I'm a just man and unwilling to see you put to shame. Read Matthew 1:19. It explains it somewhat in there.
M: I'm telling the truth. I am still a virgin, and I'm having Jesus, God's Son.
J: Well if you are, we can't be together anymore.
M: Oh, yes we can. You'll come to your senses. Just wait.

The next morning
J: Hey, Mary, can we talk.
M: Sure my unbelieving husband-to-be. What about?
J: Oh, boy. Well, I had a dream last night, and an angel said, "Take Mary as your wife, 'cuz she's pregnant by the Holy Spirit, and you're gonna call Him Jesus 'cuz he's gonna save people from their sins," and then he quoted Isaiah 7:14. Isn't that crazy that Elizabeth's pregnant at her age?
M: Me:1 You: 0

Now I'm not sure if it went down this way, but you weren't there, so we'll just say that this is legit.


On an unrelated note: Have you ever wondered what would happen if the president rapped about fixing the country? Well, now you know. Enjoy!

Trading my faith for Faith Hill

It was about this time 5 years ago that I started listening to country music. It is a surprise to approximately 0% of you that I love music, so it shouldn't be a surprise that I would often have the radio on in my dorm room. I didn't have a roommate to object and I didn't have (read: acknowledge) any homework that might better take up my time, so I listened to the radio quite a bit. It was usually Air 1, since we know that Christian music is what maintains my salvation. Towards the end of my first semester at ASU, I had a lot of studying to do for finals and so of course I listened to the radio that much more (did I mention that I got a 2.5 that semester?). I'm a fan of Christmas music, so what better to listen to than Christian radio to hear about the birth of our Lord?

Country music, that's what. I, as well as Christian author and blogger Jon Acuff, consider country music and Christian music to be cousins. You can hear Carrie Underwood ask Jesus to take the wheel, Brooks and Dunn find truth in words written in red, and God bless Rascal Flatt's broken road. There's tons of Christian imagery in country music, so much so that if one were to leave Christian music, it'd be the easiest way to ease into the world of secular music.

The reason I originally left the world of Christian music that December was because of the Christmas music I was hearing. Sure I got some "What Child is This?" and "Angels We Have Heard on High." There was even an original Christmas song by Toby Mac. But there was other stuff that I heard on the radio. Stuff like "The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire)." That song talks about Santa Claus being on his way. There's also "Sleigh Ride," a song about an outing in that fictional white stuff they call snow. I have no problem listening to these on mainstream radio. But (*CLICHE WARNING*) Jesus is the reason for the season. Why are Christians not getting this? Why are we singing about our anticipation for a fictional fat guy rather than our Lord?

I've heard it already this year on Air 1 and K-Love, so I think I'm gonna have to resort to listening only to my iPod until mid-January. Which I think I'm alright with.

And now, for the unrelated video of the week, I give you David After Dentist.

The (Near) Thanksgiving Day Massacre

I lost my camera on Thanksgiving Day. There was a good chunk of time when there was a search party, because I wasn’t about to leave California without my $200 camera. There were three different ways that people saw this apparently.

My Point of View

There were a bunch of kids around who weren’t really helping me look. My nephew Warren was looking in the freezer, while my niece Anaiya suggested, “Maybe it’s in the cake.” I figured that they were just going to be in the way, so I told them to sit down and be quiet. One of them said they were cold, so they put the blanket over themselves. I was being nice while looking for my camera.

The Kids’ Point of View

I didn’t verify any of this, but I’m pretty sure that this is what they were all collectively thinking: “Man, he’s serious. He’s making us sit down, all in a row. Maybe we can chat it up while he looks? Oh, no, he has his belt. Did he say something about a rod? I don’t know what that it is, but he sounds serious. I guess we can’t talk. He’s got that wild look in his eyes. I think he might just kill one of us. Let’s not say anything. He’s being mean while looking for his camera.”

The Other Adults’ Point of View

“Oh, my goodness, look at him. He has all the kids lined up, oldest to youngest, on the couch. They’re not saying anything. They were talking, but they shut up real quick when he got that belt. Did you hear him? He said, ‘The Bible says to use a rod.’ He’s going to start torturing them. Just wait. He’s gonna throw a bucket of cold water on them, get in their face, and ask, ‘Where’s the camera?’ He’s going to get information from them one way or another. There’s no mercy. Chrissie’s only four. What’s she gonna tell him? Oh, snap. We need to look harder or else we’re next. We’re not going to escape. His mom’s the only one safe. The rest of us might not survive Thanksgiving. He’s gone crazy while looking for his camera.”

I still say I was being nice. Everyone else blew it out of proportion. Anyway, we all laughed at it after my camera did appear again. And nothing of mine disappeared for the remainder of the trip. And for some reason unbeknownst to me, everyone asked permission before doing anything, even getting a cup of water. I can’t understand why. I guess I’m just a man who demands respect.

Give me respect... or else

And now, for the completely unrelated video of the week, I give you Si! Enjoy.

Guacamole from Si on Vimeo.

I lost my salvation on the way to church

Friday's post (I apologize for posting it late, btw) discussed how I don't know how to love God with all of me all the time. Well, a close examination of my life has showed one way in which I am not doing it.

As some of you know, I've only had a driver's license since late August. Since then, I've been driving quite a bit. I'm still a pretty bad driver, but that's another post. I've noticed that I'm not the only bad driver on the road. Other people on the road make me start yelling at them and thinking evil thoughts about them (I love how they're to blame).

I noticed Sunday that I yell at other people A LOT. I mean crazy, ridiculous, don't-know-volume-control kinda stuff. I think that the things I think, however, are sinful at worst, mildly funny at best. Examples:

The speed limit's 40! Why are you only going 45?

(Realizing that the man who I was driving behind was graying) Old people!

I wonder if I could hit this guy if I speed up?

(Checking the age of a woman next to me) I wonder if I could beat her. (Our lanes were merging. I was so intent on looking at her that I didn't notice the light turn green. She did.)

I realized that I, like other drivers, am the only one important when I'm on the road. I am all that matters. That's not loving God with all I am all the time and it's not loving my neighbor as myself. If Jesus gave a 3rd greatest commandment, I would probably break that one too. I think that's why I listen to Christian music when I'm driving. Otherwise, I don't think I would be saved anymore.

In an unrelated but still kind of important note, I started a ministry blog called Inside my Ministry. It's just a way to kinda clean up some clutter that I felt was happening on this blog. So if you want to read about my ministry, go there.

And now, I leave you with this completely unrelated video, but is nonetheless hilarious. And it raps the gospel, so it has to be good. Enjoy!

More reflections on Isaiah

*
As you can see here and here, I've kind of adopted Isaiah being called by God as my own calling into ministry.

Well, if I'm going to model my calling after Isaiah's, why not model other things? I was reading in Isaiah this morning, and came across Isaiah 20. It's six short verses that you should read right now. Go ahead, I'll wait.

...

Well, now that you've read it, I think it's obvious what my logical next step is. As I have answered God's call to go out for Him, I must now loose my sackcloth and take off my sandals. And Isaiah did this for 3 years, so it's going to be a while until I put my clothes back on. I don't know what purpose God has for me being naked for 3 years, but I must follow Him.


*I know the picture (from this guy) has nothing to do with this post, but I thought it was hilarious, and I don't think you really want a picture that's relevant to the post.

Math:1, Men: 0

If you didn’t know that I’m a math geek, then you probably don’t know me too well.
That said, it is my extreme pleasure to disprove a common math problem that young men love. Sorry, guys.

The Problem*








*I couldn't figure out how to do some of the characters in blogger, so I figured them out in Word and then printscreened them. In order to see it better, just click on the image.

The Problem with the Problem
One of the givens is that Girls = Time and Money.
I'm OK with that. But to write that out mathematically, you would have to say Girls = Time + Money. Instead of Money squared, you would get 2Money, and the square root of 2Money doesn't mean anything.
To get Time*Money, Girls would have to equal Time of Money, and that just doesn't make sense in English.

Well, guys, I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but a former math major's gotta do what a former math major's gotta do.

For those of you who are not math-minded, don't worry, most posts won't be about math. I just had to get this one off my chest.